Progress
It’s an amazing feeling, not caring. I know that most people would think of nothing leaving the house with no make up on but it really means something to me.
One of the main problems I suffer with is my self confidence, it pulls me down and can trigger regressions. My psychiatrist lady says that it is the first issue I need to tackle, before heading back to face all the shit in my past that has caused me to be so messed up today… So to me, leaving the house with no make up on, hair dried naturally and trackies (something I only where when I steal them off Paris coz my jeans are wet) is a massive step for me. It shows how far I’ve come when I couldn’t even bare to wake up in the morning and face my own family without make up done? I used to run to the bathroom, redo my make up before even considering seeing anyone.
Though, whilst I feel I am making some process, I have a confession. I think only Paris knows it about me, and I suppose Pigeon and Cookie can know, but I have slipped back into some old habits. I used to suffer with bulimia, I would eat very little around other people, binge when I was alone, then hate what I was doing and make myself sick. It never caused me too many issues, my main problem was exercise, I would walk for miles with no purpose, combined with my eating habits it caused me to loose a lot of weight, I haven’t really ever gained it back. My compulsive exercising is still at bay, karate solved that for me, it made me feel like I was doing enough exercise as it is such intense exercise. Though I do sometimes feel the need to exercise and I push out up to 200 push ups/sit ups/ squats in one evening. The old habits though are hating eating around other people, feeling as though people are judging me for the amount I’m eating. The worst one recently was when I went with Paris and load of his friends out for Stigs meal. I could almost feel people watching me eat, I couldn’t manage hardly any of it, and I had to sneak away to the toilets after. I was so worried my breath would smell I managed to get through a whole pack of chewing gum. Unfortunatley Paris noticed that I was acting different and wouldn’t let up. I knew he would be disappointed but I don’t like keeping secrets so I told him.
Thankfully its not happening much, when my self confidence takes a knock it comes back more forcefully, hence why I am trying desperately to avoid and not talk to certain people. I’d love to try and make peace, so that when we had to be around each other we could at least be civil, but being selfish, I don’t want to be left feeling that shit about myself. It happened last time and I’m at a point now where I struggle to hold my tongue. That part of reactive depression I haven’t quite mastered yet. I talk without thinking and I don’t want to upset anyone.
Ok so I know this post has been really… erm… whiny… truthful… yeah… but I need to vent at the moment, one thing I’ve been recommended to do and since I haven’t posted in so long I’m going with its only cookie and pigeon reading….
I hope…
