Screw it all
So before I even type anything if anyone who shouldn’t be looking at my profile is, please kindly find some decency in you to not read this post.
I’ve fucking sunk again. I have no one to talk to. No one wants to listen to me. I am fucking alone again. So you know what I need to vent, I need to get it out. So here we go don’t read it if you don’t want to listen to all my problems.
Starting with Dad. So he fucked off when I lived there, left me on my own for weeks when I was only 13. He didn’t realise that I had stopped eating. He didn’t realise that I was bulimic, even though he had been at home whilst I made myself sick. He didn’t notice how thin I became or how often I was off school because I simply didn’t have the energy or motivation. When Dan broke up with me and fucked off with Chrissy, he didn’t notice that for two weeks I didn’t eat anything, I supplemented food with multi vitamins. He went to Romania for two weeks, leaving a note for me telling me where he was going, 20 quid and empty cupboards. He called me during the week and asked me to transfer money so that it avoided tax, so he sent me 400 quid which i had to send back via an organisation I had to lie about my age to. Then he called to tell me he would be gone for another week, two days after he was meant to be back, and sent me 20 quid for myself and another 400 quid to transfer. He expected me to look after the dogs, myself, the house, do well in school all of that whilst trying to maintain a relationship and friendships. I was 14. Then he came back with Nic, his Romanian girlfriend. She came for chirstmas, Dad spent money on her and nothing on me and Mike. He forgot every one of my birthdays whilst I was there, I never even got a card. Yet he always got Nic a card and present. He even asked me to go into a store and buy her fags, when I was 15! Apparently I could pass as 18, which is a blatant lie. So after all that I move out, finally try to get my bulimia back on track and cut out so much exercise. I wanted to eat properly, be healthy. But dad didn’t see that, he decided it was because he wouldn’t let me see Dan. So then the rest of my family hated me. I don’t talk to my gran anymore. Dad refuses to pay CSA, saying that he knows what its like to look after children with no money. But he doesn’t. He didn’t fucking look after me.
So moving on to Dan. From the start he never let me have an opinion. If I thought differently to him he would shout over the top of me, wouldn’t let me say what I thought. Or treat me as though I was stupid for thinking that way. He wouldn’t let me do what I wanted, we had to do what he wanted and when he wanted. If he didn’t get his own way his temper would flare up. If I ever accidently hurt him, flicked him too hard, stood on his toe, anything like that, he would get so angry. He would always blow up over the littlest things. But if he hurt me, and he would properly hurt me at times, he would call me a wimp. He left me feeling as though I could never voice my opinions. He would blow up all the time. Telling me he wanted me to die, he hated me, no one loved me, my parents hated me. He would pin against the wall by my throat, throw me across the room, throw chairs at me. It led to me being terrified of confrontation, to expecting people to hit me. He stole any self confidence I ever had. All this shit I have carried into my next relationship, most likely causing issues. I can’t voice my opinion to Paris, even when he asks for it, I have to just agree.
So fuck it all, there are still a million and one things going wrong now, and I can feel myself getting worse again. Thing is, this is the past, its what is screwing me up now, at the moment they have created a huge gaping wound which is sat there… waiting for the salt that is my present to be rubbed in. Fuck.
