Happiness
It’s a rare thing for me to post something happy without there being a but at the end. Unfortunately that seems to very much mirror my life… But today, I just want to be happy. Of course there are buts, of course there are things wrong but, just for today, I can push them back. I’ve been told not to, suppressing the bad times is like adding petrol to a slowly extinguishing fire. But I’m here, I’m happy.
I have an amazing boyfriend who I finally, hand on heart, trust. I know it took me a while, and I don’t just mean I trust him not to fuck about again, I mean I trust him. I trust him not to scream and hit me if I did something wrong, I trust him not to drown out my opinion, I trust him with my secrets. He knows more about me than anyone else and it’s scary, but I need it. I know that it upsets him, I know that the scars hurt him every time he sees them. But when I’m breaking, he knows exactly how to pull me from it.
I have amazing friends, I know that no matter what they are there for me, they always have been. When I hear about people back stabbing and slandering them, the anger welling up inside me is so unreal. I have sat here tonight having read through some things that have made me shake with physical rage. She is one of the most beautiful people I know and she deserves the happiness she has finally found. How dare someone try to ruin that? I’m missing my other one, she is on an island and we need her back now please…
So, today I laid in bed until midday, simply cuddled up next to Paris and for what seems to be the first time, I wasn’t worrying. It wasn’t fears and stresses running rampant through my mind but simply meaningless thoughts. I didn’t wake up with tears streaming down my cheeks after dreams that terrify me for their reality. At the moment I am sat on a sofa, watching Paris, Harry and Paris’ dad play Halo and I can’t help but count my blessings.
I do know I am lucky in so many ways which has prompted me to sign up to yet another charity. Every time I begin to feel grateful for what I have I feel bad for what others don’t. My monthly charity count stand at, RSPCA, Animal Aid, NSPCC, Dogs trust, Amnesty International and, as of this morning, Save the Children. I have been criticized for giving to animal charities when I could give to more human ones, but as far as I can see why should animals suffer too? Plus the person who jaded me for it hosts a lot of charity events, she worked for charities but as far as I see, all she did was take other peoples money. Anyone can give their time to pressure money from other people (and be paid to do so) but only someone who really cares gives their own money.
